you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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