the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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