Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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