I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Too much gin, very little bucket
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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