when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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