Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
