Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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