Rock
Scissors
Fuck
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
