Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The best revenge is premature balding
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize