we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
