my phone needs a breathalizer
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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