So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
