u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Randomize