I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize