I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
