I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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