There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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