:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
