i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
