Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
