Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
