I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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