My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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