When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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