Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
