Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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