Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
