i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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