I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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