I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
