The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
