Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
