I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
