This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
