The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My bed smells like the plague
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
