sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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