my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
