Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
