I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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