my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize