Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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