i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
