you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
