if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
