When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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