You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's never too late to be topless.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
