i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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