wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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