Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
