So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
