you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
