my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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