so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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