new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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