fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
