You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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