Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
