I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
