the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my fart just growled at me.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
