i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
