I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
smell my finger.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
