Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
