found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
