I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
me + whiskey = a bad person
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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