dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Randomize
